I believe in the god of thunder … thank Thor our politicians agree

As a person of faith it’s gratifying to know that my views are being taken seriously.

I believe in the Norse Gods. Everyone from our own dear First Minister, to the current UK Labour Government and the likely incoming Conservative administration firmly holds the view that a belief in the supernatural, and the indoctrination of supernatural beliefs in our children by state-funded schools, is a good thing. This is marvellous news. When we finally get our state-funded school, Odin’s will and the family values that he laid down for all mankind will finally be taught as fact. About time too.

For too long our children have suffered under the bigoted education system that teaches them lightning storms are a result of charged electrical particles in the atmosphere, when the faithful know it is our lord Thor beating his mighty anvil with his Divine hammer. And our truths, we believe, are particularly important in sex education. Our school will teach no nonsense about homosexuality being natural and contraception being important because we know that the jotuun Ymir’s son, from whom Odin descended, bred a man and a woman from his armpits. So we will be insisting that armpit reproductive health will trump all other considerations. We will teach young boys and girls to cover their armpits modestly, and how to avoid unwanted pregnancies from the oxters. Happily, Ed Balls has made provision for this in law, so our children can grow up with these all-important values in place.

Thanks to Muriel Gray for this piece at the The Herald Scotland. There’s much more at the link.

If you suspect that Gray is merely having you on about all those preposterous beliefs, check out the subsequent paragraph:

I’ll stop now. You’ve got the point. People actually believed this stuff. Just as people still believe in similar stuff, such as virgin births, Satan, djinns, saints who cure hiccups, gods who like swings chained up on Sundays, gods who don’t like us to mix meat with cheese, angels who won’t enter a house if it contains a dog. They believe a man received the word of God on some golden plates and then handed them back, and that a man received the word of God on a stone tablet and then smashed it. Another man, much more conveniently, had the word of God dictated directly to him in his tent. They believe if you transfuse your blood you lose your soul, that we are all aliens called Thetans, that God thinks women are not equal to men and that gay people should be killed. They think that God considers a collection of dividing cells in a woman’s womb always more important than the woman herself, and that if you go to where prepubescent girls claim to have seen The Virgin Mary appear and light some candles then your terminal cancer might be cured or your brain-damaged child made to talk.